now all that's left of me, is what i pretend to be - so together, but so broken up inside. - kelly clarkson, behind these hazel eyes

for sake of documation.

very sobering talk about university admissions today. i just pray everything will fall into place like it did for Os. the thing about me is that from experience i seem to think that at the right time something in me will kick in and everything will be alright. well i guess we'll see if i'll be three times lucky.

ikea/anchorpoint (read meatballs/haagan daz) is always a comfort. i think there are only two people who make me laugh like this. hahahaha. it's good :D

three days into term three! (only!)

how could i be this weak?

i am very not at peace with myself. and i feel like i dont think i ever will be for the rest of this year. my cert with the chinese grade and pw grade looks like bloody SHIT. they didnt even put down my chinese grade. i dont know if that makes the cert look better or worse. this is the ugliest cert of my life. people are screwing with me. it sucks when your one relationship with a person is connected to so many others in your life. only five more months.

it sucks that when i feel like i'm ready to do something to make it better i don't get the freaking chance.

hmm which is worse i wonder..to regret not doing something or to regret doing something?

if i'm not great at it then i dont want to ruin it, it's too important to me. - peyton sawyer, one tree hill.

i forgot how tiring school is, and today was a short day!

sometimes i really can't stand being in 2ad1. we're a bloody pointless class.

this is potentially going to be painful.

on a happier note, i like rafflescity. and italian bmt. and train rides home with my pinkietwin (:

ok my bloody phone just majorly screwed with me. ARGH it better stop spitting up and swallowing stuff.

the jump back into routine of 5 to 4 days is due in 7 hours!

wow i've been so bloody productive in the past 24 hours. i didnt even know i was capable of doing this!

about 24 hours ago, i was having cheesy/eggy good prata at bedok with xuee and slurping down not-as-yummy-as-it-should-have-been milodino. running up and down stupid tanahmerah staircases for a stationary train.

about 23 hours ago, i was settling into super comfy corner at pacific coffee t1. getting the orangina i said i wanted ever since bintan and kettlechips! listening to robey for the first proper time! hahah. and 5 hours of non-stop econseconseconsECONS.

about 18 hours ago, i was taking a nap.

about 17 hours ago, i was having cheesy/eggy/hammy good bk breakfast.

about 16 hours ago, i was making my way home. wash up. plop into bed for 2 sacred hours of rest.

about 13 hours ago, i was making my way down to good old holland village for THREE BLOODY HOURS OF ECONS TUITION.

about 9 hours ago, i was settling into nice cosy corner in subway for 3 more hours of work. paying 2 bloody dollars for photocopying gp compre. catching up with debbie haha.

zombied my way home. dinner out unfortunately. dont remember anything about the journey and how come we ended up at the airport again. it's practically my second home. uh so ate. came home and watched finaldestination2. i'm not sleepy! i feel like finishing my compre. hahah

ever wake up from a good dream then try so hard to get back to sleep?
or get a fluke and say you'd appreciate normal so much more if you could just undo that fluke?
i just want things to go back to how they used to be. -lucas scott, one tree hill.

eh well i got that purely from memory so who knows how not word for word it is.

i am kind of looking forward to school reopening. cos that way, i'm ensured that i'll be doing something work related for at least 6 hours a day. i just realised i have a gp compre and essay to do. outside that, i have to complete like 8 (i think) econs essay/essayplans for tuition on sat. and my math is stuck at like chapter 10 (out of 30). and and and lit. uh i dont even know what i'm supposed to do for that. only 3 more days of 'holiday' left!!

anyway, i'm getting increasingly irritated by my parents. and without reason too. i guess that's another thing i'm looking forward to about school reopening. the lesser amount of time i'll have to spend at home.

i feel like such an ungrateful bitch whenever i write things like that.

non-studying. shopping. wedges(haha omg this is like a pun). movie.

alot like love was good. :) but does it really exist? that things can be so good for such a short time and then nothing for so long and then all good again?

walking in wedges arent fun :( but it was cool being the tallest. hahahaha. mucho thanks to fi tho, for swopping and letting me walk in supercomfy pf flipflops! :)

i have no self-control when it comes to chocolate and potatochips these days. my mind's like: CAKE CAKE CAKE CHOCOLATE KINDER BEUNO POTATO CHIPS CRUNCH CRUNCH MUNCH MUNCH FOOOOOOOOD. and i havent done any form of physical exercise ever since uh napha(how do you spell this) which was month ago! take me back to bintan where i hardly ate and never felt like it.

do i want it for what it is or for what i can say it is.

wildwildwet in the morning with li. finally got to see her after a whole month! :D hehe. altho there was NO SUN, it was awesome floating around and catching up. and then we sat on the sixperson ride. got in with these two kids and their super nice dad. guess who the two screaming were. hahaha. the two little peeps didnt make a sound the whole way down! impressive stuff kids are made of these days.

got out for a late lunch at maccas. happymeals are so value for money! four bucks for a cheeseburger, small fries, small coke and A HEFFALUMP TOY! then cabbed down to tm for Ice Princess! nice teen chick flick. sweet enough without being too sugary. loved the figureskating. then dinnertime at seoul garden! our first time haha. was pretty yummy! and finished up with icecream. yumyum.

so anyway, happy 18th my darling(9days belated)! glad you liked the card and presents. thank YOU for the prettypouch and the a&f top! hehe. :)

i love shopping for cards! :D makes me happy for some weird as reason. another study date at starbucks with xuee. i'm slowly ploughing my way through j1 math. i hope i'm not wasting time! realised i havent touched econs this whole month. and to think i'm even contemplating if i should give the mock essay test a shot. hmmm. i wonder what will happen to me after i screw As.

i have this sad feeling in my stomach haha :(

last night at my aunt's house, we watched BUBBLE BOY and i think i've found a new love...



he wasnt that cute in day after tomorrow. haha but oh wells. aw look at him. i love the eyes. <33

so anyway, over the past two days, i finished reading the return of the native and two chapters of the soldiers return. feels good that it sounds productive. haha. shopped a bit at bugis yesterday too and i found a good shop with cheap a&f stuff albeit very little to choose from. gosh i'm so screwed with the studyingg.

woke up early to cut cut cut hair. it's neater and now i can wear a hairband! whoop.

then proceeded for late afternoon study session with xuee at starbucks. nice cosy spot. managed to get some stuff done i suppose. and it seems my m:robe may have some hope thanks to the generosity of my pinkietwin. haha thank you i love you and your computerrrr (:

trained down for dindin with dad and sis at the airport. read quite a bit of return of the native while waiting. i quite like that book actually. if only it wasn't written the way it was, all confusing and shit.

and today was a good radio day! cos they played my fav song of the mo - jason mraz's wordplay! and they also played boulevard of broken songs which is the totally cool mix of green day's boulevard of broken dreams and oasis' wonderwall. if anyone has that plsplspls send it to me okayyy? :D tia! i found it found it found it!! hahah so if anybody wants any of these two marvy songs just askkk :D

another day in my completely useless life..

i have resigned to the fact that i'll have to either change my computer or upgrade it before i can ever use my m:robe. and i'm too lazy to care. there is one spanish/french/i dont know what song in it now, that's all i can listen to. ha ha

i have spent the day online as usual. and found a new blogskin. yay it's pretty. let's see how long this one stays till the purpleyness of it annoys me too much. and i added purple flying elephants at the bottom too!

ok i'm gonna go attempt some math/econs/stoning now. tooodless

here's what i have done in preparation for my upcoming prelims..

i wrote out all the math chapters from this year and last.

THE FREAKING END.

then out of guilt nagging me at the back of my mind, i went to read newspapers. and i barely made it through half one section before i gave up and went to bed.

yesterday, i spent the day reading this book called fred and edie. it was really good (though totally unrelated to school). it was a delicious book.

today had lunch with parents and their friends. really funny people. in an odd sense. when i saw them reminiscing, i had this vision thing like how it would be like for me and my own friends, say twenty years down the road.

whiled away the time at suntec not doing anything in particular. later on in the day, went in search for an mp3 playerr. was torn between zen neeon (which helpfully eliminated itself by being out of stock), zen micro (which eliminated itself my being so damn ugly. at least the pink one), ipod mini (which eliminated itself when this guy came in the midst of my choosing and bought the last pink one -.-) and the olympus m:robe! so guess which one i got! that's right. the m:robe. haha quite alright happy with it. but then now my bloody useless computer refuses to upload the software which means i can't exactly put any music into my mp3 player. (which makes it quite useless actually)

i feel very annoyed and irritated and stupid and tired and useless.

i think i'm a dysfunctional teen, in my own right.

last last night was beyond shitty.

woke up at 4 feeling terribly nauseous. ended up throwing up. and then waking up every other hour to use the toilet.

i just thank God this didnt happen in bintan. i can't imagine how many more times like hell it would have felt without the flushes and all. and without my dad. i dont think i could have done it without him at all. :( slept the whole day away. my back was killing me. i dont know why. it felt as if it had been broken. didnt eat anything but a packet of kellogs, a couple of slices of fish, a cup of horlicks and a peeled green apple.

my theory. i ate so little in bintan that my stomach 'contracted' or at least it's capacity did. then all of a sudden i'm gorging myself on pizza, cake etcetcetc. cos seriously now i have zero appetite and the good thing is i'm not hungry either. today i ate, half a bowl of chicken porridge, papaya, a cookie, two smarties, some pasta and prawns and prawn crackers.

dvd marathon in the afternoon with sis. series of unfortunate events then spanglish. spanglish was good! the spanish woman is damnn pretty. haha. it was a really sweet movie. i likeed.

my stomach still hurts. and i still havent started studying! :(

so much for being too used to waking up early.

woke up at 2.30 in the freaking pm. when i saw the clock i was just like wtf man.

so much for packing and organising the work i have to do.

after bathing i had less than 2 hours so i just decided bum around online.

met karenina and fifi at ps. got tickets for mr and mrs smith! then had dinner at cafe cartel. shopped around a bit. found some pretty earrings :) then shar joined us and we bought shoes on impulse!! pink wedges that are pretty darn high. but they are really cute. i hope i dont look as ridiculous as i felt in them haha. movie was goood. even though we were in the second row. two of them are so damn hot it's unfair. and it was really funny too haha.

oh yeah. all the toilets in ps decided to go on strike today. all the flushes refused to work. bintan's haunting us! hahahah it seriously felt like that man. scary stuff.

so much for going on diet.

right after i declared i was going on a diet, i get into my aunt's car and she serves up a slice of this sinful as hell chocolate fudge and cheese cake. and then my dad calls to say he's buying prata for supper. the world is out to get me!

BINTAN PICTURES!

happy endings are stories that havent finished yet. - jane smith

ok i'm gonna do my day by day thing now. haha i'm too used to waking up early now. woke up at 6.30am. and my stomach is growling like mad cos i havent had breakfast. haha

DAY ONE! wednesday 1 june
car ride to school. bonded with my phone before saying goodbye to it. sat on a coomfy bus to tanah merah ferry terminal. waited for ass long. had breakfast of milo. uneventful ferry ride to bintan. bused to see our dorms. i was strangely indifferent towards it. it was basically just a really big room with two rows of mattresses on the floor and then a 'kitchen' and toilet with two showers and two FLUSHLESS toilets. damn long facilitation in the facilitation room. then headed for lunch at the canteen. food was not too bad at all. bused down to see our village EKANG ANCULAI! hahah the kids were damn excited. we didnt do much the first day, just went in to meet what would become our most beloved class. since we were unprepared, we just sang twinkletwinkle little stars, played london bridge and mother hen and eagle etcetc. got back. me and shar decided to bathe later after dinner. damn freaking long and bumpy ride to the kelong dinner (which wasnt all that good but they had candrinks!) but then we got played out when lynn said no bathing after dinner. that really just did it for me man. i was hot, tired, dirty and unhappy and i wanted to GO HOME!

DAY TWO! thursday 2 june
i dont really remember much about this day. it was basically breakfast, full day of teaching (i.e. both morning and afternoon class), i think we played what's the time mr wolf and hokeypokey. i'll never be able to ask what's the time the same way again. haha. then dinner time and pasah oleholeh! day two was pretty bad as well. alot of dinnertime drama and unsatisfying shopping at pasah oleholeh.

DAY THREE! friday 3 june
this was like the peaking of the trip! we did drawing and colouring with the kids and it was damn fun. there was this girl in the morning class who went around and took our hands and put it to her head as a sign of respect and it was really the sweetest thing ever. and in the afternoon class, i sat with a bunch of kids and helped them with the drawings. my group was the most well behaved haha. and this adorable boy called niko kept showing me his drawings :D the best part of the day was MANGROVE TOUR! when they told us about it at first i thought we would have to walk through the jungle in mud and with snakes all over BUT it was actually a boat ride! it was freaking awesome. pitch black all over as we stepped on to the boat. a little scary but as we zipped off on the water, the nighttime breeze just blew EVERYTHING away, all the irritation and stress. and then, you look up and you see the most AMAZING stars ever. freaking gorgeous. so many of them and so bright and sparkly against the black sky. i just leaned back and looked up at the sky the whole boat ride. AND WE SAW A SHOOTING STAR!!!! :D :D haha of cos not to forget the fireflies that flew around us and into our hair making us look like princesses! that would have been pretty much the highlight of the wholee trip. facilitation with skittles after that!

DAY FOUR! saturday 4 june
this was a really slack day. only had to teach the morning classes who were the youngest and therefore most quiet. then headed down for the fisherman tour! it was raining alot so we had to hang around and wait for it to stop. then they had some stupid traditional dance and the guy just had to pull me up to dance. hahaha. the tour was fun! me shar fi and shi got onto this boat and we were just screaming like bimbotic cows. cos we kept rocking side to side. but it was really quite scary! got off on an island so see crabs, fishes etcetc. bbq dinner after that which ROCKED. and then pasah oleholeh with HAAGEN DAZ!! and facilitation.

DAY FIVE! sunday 5 june
shopping day at tanjong penang! freaking long and bumpy bus ride. sat with jolene the one with the good music zen! haha bumped my head alot :( first mall was terribly depressing. it was just a "covered street" with shops. nothing much to buy except pirated dvds which werent allowed :( bused down for lunch with yummy soup! then headed over to the much better mall - ramayana. what really traumatised me was the toilets. shant go into details there. got wheezer's album! and shishi got me this bracelet thing. haha then the both of us decided to go into charlie's chicken where she got picked up with a napkin full of PEACE AND LOVEEE. hahah. then back to the dorms. dinnertime, pasah oleholeh and facilitation! going over to the central part of bintan made me pretty sad cos it was then that i realised just how lucky we are in singapore and how much more advanced we are.

DAY SIX! monday 6 june
this was THE most tiring day ever. since the classes were having exams, we did painting and planting and all round cleaning up instead. so first it was the painting. it was kind of fun i suppose except we all got pretty dirty plus it was freaking hot. then we headed off and got recruited to do planting. which was grubby and i swopped and did sweeping instead. sweeping was therapeutic. taught some random class after that cos our usual classes werent there :( unloaded tons of pens and candy and stickers on the kids. took pictures etcetc. then headed off for mangrove tour part two in the day. it was quite disappointing and nothing at all like the first one. we saw a couple of snakes tho and the scenery was awesome. dinner. pasah oleh oleh. Q&A with mr useless ho in the visitor centre. thank goodness for the aircon but i was bloody falling asleep. and then we go back for facilitation by the candlelight (i.e. very dark and no fans). AND THEN mrlynn decides to have a talk with us which lasted till freaking one am. but the talk fired us up and so when we got back it was bitching session till misstoh had to force us to 'lights out'.

DAY SEVEN! tuesday 7 june
library opening ceremony. i think the bintan people are seriously RUDE. there we were having the opening ceremony and there these official vips were sitting with their legs open, smoking like chimneys and falling asleep. the stupid ceremony was too freaking long if you asked me. was quite disappointed that we never got to see our afternoon class to say bye :( hung around a bit then headed off for lunch in, LITERALLY, the middle of nowhere. but the food was good and the scenery was good too. and mrlynn shared with us three of the seven habits of the effective bitch. hahahah. then headed back to the dorms for clean up and pack up and BYEBYE TO IT FOREVER AS WE HEAD OF FOR THE RESORT! (it was a little sad tho) at the resort we were greeted with CHILLED DRINKS! hoorahh! then checked in into our AIRCONDITIONED ROOMS with BEDS and FLUSHING TOILET! first thing i did was to take a glorious bath. then shi, jolene, seeyun and i headed over to the gorgeous beach to play about in the water and climb boulders. went off for dinner at pasah oleholeh. yummaye food. good company :) more last minute grocery shopping there. then back to the resort. facilitation at the lobby. it was web of friendship time and we all passed around our books and wrote stuff for people. felt quite celebrity like but after a while it got really tiring. we stayed there till about 1plus am. then headed back to the room. people kept popping over and then it was just me shi and amanda falling into slumber at three am.

DAY EIGHT! wednesday 8 june
was supposed to wake up at five for the sunset but got woken up at seven by shar instead saying we missed it! washed up and hung around waiting for breakfast at eight instead. BREAKFAST WAS SO EFFING GOOD! it was like buffet style and we just went mad i tell you. fried rice, hashbrowns, sausages, bloody good pancakes, more hashbrowns, sunny side up egg, omelette with ham etcetcetc and ORANGE JUICE my love. headed down to the beach and played around with the hammock and took pictures and watched a volleyball match. then back to the room. more pictures. pack up and check out. bummed around in the waiting room. then went down to the lobby to sleeeeeep. bus ride to the ferry terminal! the bus was freaking cool, the biggest i'd ever seen haha. and then it was a rocky, triggerhappy, jimmyeatworld ride home. HOMEEEEE. not as cracked up as it should have been but pretty alright. haha PIZZA PIGOUT DINNER. and then bonding with the computerr till early in the morning!

phew that was effing long. i think i took about an hour and a half to do that. now it's time to go for debrief in school!

it feels like i just woke up from a dream.

the past 8days have been so completely weird and eventful and emotionally fluctuating i dont think i would be able to put it down to words right here right now, or ever even.

in all honesty, i do miss bintan. despite the flush-less toilets, the disgusting weather, the 'older and wiser' Adults, the very iffy conditions of the beds, the long drawn facilitations, never being able to feel completely clean etcetc. in a sense, missing home from there felt better than being at home in actual reality right now.

and i feel completely disorientated. taken away from the routine of waking up at about 6.50am (bintan time) by my own body clock, trudging to the toilet and brushing my teeth half asleep with random people walking here and there, sitting on my bed (or mattress actually) and just stoning waiting for it to be time to walk over to the canteen, walking over to the canteen, sitting down at the table and preparing to charge to the only flushing toilet (come to think of it) i ever saw in the whole of freaking non resort part of bintan, eating the pretty nice breakfast, getting into our aircon-less and tiny bus, busing pass a stretch where it always stinks, pass the secuirty gate and into EKANG ANCULAI, seeing the kids jump and wave excitedly, getting off the bus and heading over to the library for some mindy water, grabbing teaching materials and entering the completely fan-less classroom with broken tables but kids with full on smiles, smiling excessively and shouting encouraging 'good's and clapping at every little thing the kids do, taking them outside to play games, lunch break in the library, the packet lunches with the signature cold and overly bouncy rice and keropok and other packeted ingredients, lazing about outside the library, 'tanning', lesson time with our favourite afternoon class, busing back to the dorms, mad rush to coordinate bathtime order, 5minute baths, my jolene in shining armor to kick open the stubborn door, lazing about waiting for dinner time, dinner time, pasar oleholeh, haagen daz, the walk back to the dorms, facilitation, mass brushing teeth in the darkness, lying around waiting for lights out, lights out, and the tossing and turning to sleep. that would be a typical day in bintan. some day i'll record down each day as i remembered them. not tonight. i think i might be suffering from 'jet lag' soon.

so much more to say actually. but not now. sleep now.