you know i never thought my life was depressing. when i was young i thought i lived a pretty awesome life. my dad was head pastor at church. my mum was very involved in school. my sis and i were close (tho we infamously fought quite a lot). we took family holidays. we were pretty much quite the picture perfect family. i have no idea when or how it went downhill. when we became the crazy family that always fought. how it spiraled into this.
in so many ways my life now could be depressing. i don't know if it's not so because it's really not that bad or simply because i don't think about it. i'm so good at not thinking about it. i can have the most depressing conversation in the world with my dad, and then i come back to my room, and enter the virtual world and suddenly everything doesn't seem so bad. really? or is it just because i've become so good at not thinking about things i don't want to?
i really don't know what to do now. i feel so trapped here. i love you all i really do. but can i do it from afar? i feel like i will be miserable here. but i feel so bad thinking of packing up and going far away to live my life. but when i brought it up, you didn't seem so against it. and i wondered if that's what you truly felt or just what you say because of your pride. your pride and ultimatums that i unfortunately inherited from you. i really don't know what to believe when you say such things. but to be honest, i felt relief. i felt relief that you were ok with letting me go. mixed with a tinge of sadness at the thought of leaving you. because i do love you :( but the more i think about it, the more i can't bear the thought of living here.
when i was younger, i had this serious problem of getting majorly upset when things didn't go my way. when plans changed. i hated the feeling of anticipation that got swiftly and abruptly cut off because someone said so. i hated the feeling of lack of control of the situation and my feelings.
i've definitely changed over the years in many many ways. but this is something that still affects me, albeit probably to a lesser degree now that i've learnt that many things in life are out of your control.
perhaps i've learnt that too well. because now it seems my problem is that i don't exercise enough control over situations. my course of action is oft inaction. i'm so afraid of making mistakes, of being hated for my actions, of regretting doing something. after being on both sides of the receiving end, i can't help but feel like it's time that i exercise my right to be a true player in this game of life.
now, if i can just hold on to this conviction.