I feel so terribly driven by the instability of my emotions. Some days I can feel so content, so happy even with all that I have had. Grateful for all the moments. So happy just listening to an amazing song and feeling the wind in my face. Content. And then some days I can feel so unhappy. Like my life has absolutely no meaning. Like there is nothing to work towards at all.

So much so, when I'm so uncontrollably happy, I just want to slap myself. All I do is try and keep my emotions as close to baseline as possible and I can actually feel myself becoming numb to most things. I hardly ever let myself look forward to anything for fear of disappointment. I don't want to depend on the presence of anyone because I know nobody stays forever. I can't even allow myself to feel anger towards people because what's the point really? When I'm unhappy, all I do is tell myself I shouldn't be. But why on earth am I trying to strip myself of emotions I don't know.

I've been thinking of leaving here for so long. I feel so trapped in my daily routine of nothingness. I love all the people in my life I do but we've come to a point in our lives where we've got to choose our own paths. I see them all making a life here but I don't see it for myself.

So what am I waiting for?