making mountains out of molehills.

On a separate note, 2012 has been most difficult to settle in to.

Well difficult is a bit of an overstatement. It was "difficult" because I was so busy not being here.

New Year's Eve was depressing but wonderful. Surrounded by equal numbers of strangers and friends, but also by you. Ending and starting the year drunk. I hate and love being drunk. I don't know how to make it good for me but I can't let it go either.

Then I was away in Seoul. It was almost great. I love Seoul. Always have, probably always will. There is always something to do, to look at, to eat, to drink, to buy. I love my girls and it was lovely to reunite. But traveling in a group always somehow results in so much compromise and I realised that maybe I'm not that easy to travel with after all.

Coming back from that, it was terribly difficult to adjust back to work. I hate playing catch up. Ten thousand things always seem to happen while I'm away.

Then I had to leave again. It was the worst possible timing, and my conscience has been paying ever since.

But the one week was priceless and just what we needed.

So now, I just need to settle down. Strap on my seat belt for a while as I can't and shouldn't go anywhere.

"Maybe it's sad these are now memories. Maybe it's not sad."

In a dark dark place now because things swept under the rug were pulled out and waved in the air tearfully only to be swept right back under that rug. I found that a soft spot is akin to a blind spot and perhaps I'd been blaming the wrong person the whole time. I'd never heard it put that way and I guess I never realised what you went through all those years. Now I feel like a foolish immature girl for blaming and resenting you. You deserve all the happiness you have now.

Meanwhile, I will get my life together somehow. It'll be hard. And it would be so much easier just to do what I've been doing (which is absolutely nothing useful), but I refuse to let myself become someone who only has regrets to look back on.