So it is true. You have to truly let go before you can ever hope to find a good thing.
And I'm so happy. So so happy that I did. I let go without expecting anything but because it was finally time to. There was a prick to the heart but mostly it was a feeling of weight lifted off. Weight I didn't even know was there.
And I'm so lucky. So so lucky to have what I have now :)
Good time.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Sadness is beautiful / Loneliness is tragical
Monday, July 16, 2012
This is the first time in my life (I think) that I'm giving up something easy to go after something much more difficult. And without any tangible gain at that. I think that whatever happens, I should be proud of myself? (Or on the contrary maybe I should be ashamed for making such a huge mistake. Hmm.)
I'm actually amazed that when it came down to it, I chose to leave because I wasn't being challenged anymore. I wasn't learning. I could very well have sat there and enjoyed how it got easier as I got more rewarded. But strangely enough, as much as I love being a bum, nothing gives me more of a rush than being so preoccupied with work that time just flies by. Time goes on so quickly, it slips through your fingers in a blink of eye. In retrospect. But when you drag yourself out of bed just to watch and wait for it to go by each day, it's excruciating.
The past week of goodbyes have been surprisingly really heart tugging. It made me feel so very sad to leave all these amazing people behind. Each time I leave a workplace, I find myself asking "How will I ever find such wonderful colleagues again?" But time and time again, I've been blessed enough to find more amazing people. I can only hope this continues...
But despite the sadness, despite the apprehension, I've yet to feel regret. It's just a bittersweet feeling - that I've made somewhat of an impact but it's time for a change. Anyway, anything is better when there is an expiry date.
---
So I was just feeling superbly blessed today as D picked me up with some homemade "guotie" (also known as pot stickers; why so cute?!). She had printed out the route for me to get to my new school. My dad too had been excitedly waiting for the posting so that he could take me down for a recce. And my sis is just all-round supportive as usual.
I am so lucky, and I hate myself whenever I feel it's not enough.
--
So the pot stickers. My dad and I sat down to have them for supper. And we immediately went to get our cups for a hot drink to wash it down. I love how my dad always comments on how I love tea and he loves coffee. Once he even said to my sis (I don't know if it was jokingly?!) that he didn't want to try the tea we bought back from our trip because I love it so much, he wanted to leave every single sachet for me. AWWW.
--
Anyway, random thought as I heard my dear old Rusty coughing outside. I've never experienced death or major illness of a loved one. And I'm so so afraid that when it happens, a stupid selfish thought like "I can't go (to the hospital) because I've already bathed" will pop into my mind. Just writing this makes me awash with guilt. Ugh. I don't know how I will handle this because even if I can stop stupid selfish thoughts popping into my head, just the thought of any loved one suffering breaks my heart. I can't even go down that train of thought...
--
And good place my ass. As always, good benign feelings never last. Rude awakening once again. And honestly, I'm so lucky. Every time I have these rude realizations of what kind of horrible person you are, I have someone in my life who saves me. This time I even had a complete stranger as well. I'm using up all my luck because of you.
And I feel so confused because I have such strong opposing feelings and memories of you.
It is a race to The Finish. And while I hope I get there first, I honestly will just be relieved when someone reaches it so this will be over, for good.
I'm actually amazed that when it came down to it, I chose to leave because I wasn't being challenged anymore. I wasn't learning. I could very well have sat there and enjoyed how it got easier as I got more rewarded. But strangely enough, as much as I love being a bum, nothing gives me more of a rush than being so preoccupied with work that time just flies by. Time goes on so quickly, it slips through your fingers in a blink of eye. In retrospect. But when you drag yourself out of bed just to watch and wait for it to go by each day, it's excruciating.
The past week of goodbyes have been surprisingly really heart tugging. It made me feel so very sad to leave all these amazing people behind. Each time I leave a workplace, I find myself asking "How will I ever find such wonderful colleagues again?" But time and time again, I've been blessed enough to find more amazing people. I can only hope this continues...
But despite the sadness, despite the apprehension, I've yet to feel regret. It's just a bittersweet feeling - that I've made somewhat of an impact but it's time for a change. Anyway, anything is better when there is an expiry date.
---
So I was just feeling superbly blessed today as D picked me up with some homemade "guotie" (also known as pot stickers; why so cute?!). She had printed out the route for me to get to my new school. My dad too had been excitedly waiting for the posting so that he could take me down for a recce. And my sis is just all-round supportive as usual.
I am so lucky, and I hate myself whenever I feel it's not enough.
--
So the pot stickers. My dad and I sat down to have them for supper. And we immediately went to get our cups for a hot drink to wash it down. I love how my dad always comments on how I love tea and he loves coffee. Once he even said to my sis (I don't know if it was jokingly?!) that he didn't want to try the tea we bought back from our trip because I love it so much, he wanted to leave every single sachet for me. AWWW.
--
Anyway, random thought as I heard my dear old Rusty coughing outside. I've never experienced death or major illness of a loved one. And I'm so so afraid that when it happens, a stupid selfish thought like "I can't go (to the hospital) because I've already bathed" will pop into my mind. Just writing this makes me awash with guilt. Ugh. I don't know how I will handle this because even if I can stop stupid selfish thoughts popping into my head, just the thought of any loved one suffering breaks my heart. I can't even go down that train of thought...
--
And good place my ass. As always, good benign feelings never last. Rude awakening once again. And honestly, I'm so lucky. Every time I have these rude realizations of what kind of horrible person you are, I have someone in my life who saves me. This time I even had a complete stranger as well. I'm using up all my luck because of you.
And I feel so confused because I have such strong opposing feelings and memories of you.
It is a race to The Finish. And while I hope I get there first, I honestly will just be relieved when someone reaches it so this will be over, for good.
Chalking up cities.
Sunday, July 01, 2012
2012 - Shanghai, Mauritius
2011 - Santorini, Glasgow, Edinburgh
2010 - Hokkaido, Paris, Milan, Rome, Ibiza, Barcelona, Madrid
2009 - Jeju, Hanoi
2008 - Bangkok, Hong Kong
2007 - Kyoto, Osaka, Alaska, Taipei
2007 - the year my love for travel officially began.
Actual travels:
2012 - Seoul, Beijing, Shanghai, Mauritius, Bangkok, Melbourne?
2011 - Melbourne, London, Barcelona, Edinburgh, Glasglow, Santorini, Bangkok (x2!!)
2010 - Madrid, Barcelona, Ibiza, Rome, Milan, Paris, Hokkaido, Kuala Lumpur, Toyko
2009 - Seoul, Jeju, Hanoi, Hong Kong
2008 - Hong Kong, Bangkok, Melbourne
2007 - Alaska, Taipei, Kyoto, Osaka, Tokyo
Ramble babble.
I love how fond we are of each other :)
I think I'm finally done being bitter. The last bit of aftertaste has worn off. You don't owe me anything.
Good place, good place, can we stay here?
--
Stuff I thought I could do and wanted to, I tried and almost did, but realised I couldn't. No big deal. I'm glad I couldn't and I love how I'm cool with that. But I hate how I'm still just awkward always.
--
Collecting memories - I love and hate it. With each new (good) experience, I feel so happy that I have a brand new memory to hold in my head and turn over in my mind as I relive my favorite parts. But at the same time, as each memory glows brighter in retrospect, the unhappiness of my present overwhelms me even more. Soon I will be engulfed and suffocated by happy memories.
I think I'm finally done being bitter. The last bit of aftertaste has worn off. You don't owe me anything.
Good place, good place, can we stay here?
--
Stuff I thought I could do and wanted to, I tried and almost did, but realised I couldn't. No big deal. I'm glad I couldn't and I love how I'm cool with that. But I hate how I'm still just awkward always.
--
Collecting memories - I love and hate it. With each new (good) experience, I feel so happy that I have a brand new memory to hold in my head and turn over in my mind as I relive my favorite parts. But at the same time, as each memory glows brighter in retrospect, the unhappiness of my present overwhelms me even more. Soon I will be engulfed and suffocated by happy memories.
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
All I've ever known is for my person to care about me.
But I'm learning a big big lesson with you.
I need to care, yea. But the person care I about is damn right going to be worth it.
But I'm learning a big big lesson with you.
I need to care, yea. But the person care I about is damn right going to be worth it.
#secretconfession
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
What do I do? I think I've the biggest crush on you. But you're forbidden beyond forbidden.
Take care
Ordinarily, I hate lyric posts, but..
I know you've been hurt by someone else
I can tell by the way you carry yourself
If you let me, here's what I'll do
I'll take care of you
I've loved and I've lost
One time, been in love one time
You and all your girls in the club one time
All so convinced that you're following your heart
Cause your mind don't control what it does sometimes
We all have our nights though, don't be so ashamed
I've had mine, you've had yours, we both know
We know you hate being alone
You ain't the only one
You hate the fact that you bought the dream
And they sold you one
You love your friends but somebody shoulda told you something to save you
I want to live in this inebriated haze where I feel I can do anything and get through anything. Could I?
I know you've been hurt by someone else
I can tell by the way you carry yourself
If you let me, here's what I'll do
I'll take care of you
I've loved and I've lost
One time, been in love one time
You and all your girls in the club one time
All so convinced that you're following your heart
Cause your mind don't control what it does sometimes
We all have our nights though, don't be so ashamed
I've had mine, you've had yours, we both know
We know you hate being alone
You ain't the only one
You hate the fact that you bought the dream
And they sold you one
You love your friends but somebody shoulda told you something to save you
I want to live in this inebriated haze where I feel I can do anything and get through anything. Could I?
Catharsis is this.
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
I should get back to blogging.
I used to walk myself through my own life. I knew what was happening. I knew who I was. But I've ignored my thoughts. Let them go the moment they formed. If you don't think about it, it doesn't matter yea?
My fear of mistakes. Does it mean I've made less mistakes than I could have? Perhaps. But I've spent probably an equal amount of time worrying, fretting, stopping myself, than I would have regretting and bearing the consequences of a mistake.
Life. It is so short, and so very long at the same time. Especially when you don't know where you're going, and worse, don't know where you are trying to go.
I'm sensitive. That is an understatement. Getting something wrong feels like a punch to the gut. If people show even the slightest indication that they dislike or despise me, I feel a slap on the face.
The idea of disappointing someone or failing freaks me out so much. I don't dare put myself in a competitive situation and I thrive the best in a simple environment.
But is that so bad? Aren't I beyond that point in my life where I try to fit in. Isn't it time to find the place that fits me instead?
And that brings me to my biggest problem. My self-judgement. Why can't I let me be me? Why can't I do something without judging myself? Why can't I be a fucked up person and not care? Everyone has flaws. Why do I loathe myself so much when it comes to my own?
Reminiscing is the most bittersweet illusion.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
On a separate note, 2012 has been most difficult to settle in to.
Well difficult is a bit of an overstatement. It was "difficult" because I was so busy not being here.
New Year's Eve was depressing but wonderful. Surrounded by equal numbers of strangers and friends, but also by you. Ending and starting the year drunk. I hate and love being drunk. I don't know how to make it good for me but I can't let it go either.
Then I was away in Seoul. It was almost great. I love Seoul. Always have, probably always will. There is always something to do, to look at, to eat, to drink, to buy. I love my girls and it was lovely to reunite. But traveling in a group always somehow results in so much compromise and I realised that maybe I'm not that easy to travel with after all.
Coming back from that, it was terribly difficult to adjust back to work. I hate playing catch up. Ten thousand things always seem to happen while I'm away.
Then I had to leave again. It was the worst possible timing, and my conscience has been paying ever since.
But the one week was priceless and just what we needed.
So now, I just need to settle down. Strap on my seat belt for a while as I can't and shouldn't go anywhere.
"Maybe it's sad these are now memories. Maybe it's not sad."
It's almost a quarter of a century.
In a dark dark place now because things swept under the rug were pulled out and waved in the air tearfully only to be swept right back under that rug. I found that a soft spot is akin to a blind spot and perhaps I'd been blaming the wrong person the whole time. I'd never heard it put that way and I guess I never realised what you went through all those years. Now I feel like a foolish immature girl for blaming and resenting you. You deserve all the happiness you have now.
Meanwhile, I will get my life together somehow. It'll be hard. And it would be so much easier just to do what I've been doing (which is absolutely nothing useful), but I refuse to let myself become someone who only has regrets to look back on.