it seems to be all around lately. the tsunami. the news of mrs c's husband's death. the last three books i've read - the five people you meet in heaven, tuesdays with morrie and empire of the sun, all pretty much revolve around it. i wonder, am i trying to prepare myself for it? because i've never, thank god, ever experienced a death of someone i know personally. i don't know the feeling of losing someone permanently. today, patsum talked to our class about mrs c. altho i really do sympathise with her, it felt extremely weird. because, honestly, i dont even know her. i mean, sure i see her around in school pretty much everyday, but i've never actually had a personal encounter with her. i dont want to pretend to be all sad about it because i really am not =x as mrsum said, dissociate but do not detach (eh something along those lines). feel for her, but don't get too overemotional, because, afterall, we really do not know each other personally. oh wells, i just had to get that out. cos the mood was just too WEIRD.

anyways, what really hit me today was when donna started crying. i presume because of her own recent loss. i really felt bad for her :( that's one thing i dont really feel comfortable with about the class. like half of us are detached from the other half. so like while she was crying, well, half of us pretty much didnt care. and it really really sucked. i couldnt help thinking, what if it was me crying? if it was me hurting? who's going to care? how would you feel if you're hurting so badly and people are just playing around, carrying on as if it's no big. and you know what? i hate myself for being such a hypocrite. i mean i say all this, but when it was happening, i was just sitting there. not bothering to go up to her to offer comfort. SUCH A HYPOCRITE. i'm as bad as the people i despise. i wish i was comfortable with this thing called emotions. instead of hiding all of mine and running away when people show theirs.

this is just.. depressing.