IGNORE THIS PART
yesterday was embarrassing to say the least. i got damn frustrated with my math class cos they just refused to listen to me, plus i was stressed about not finishing the topics by the test on thursday. and also, i was shouting until my voice threatened to leave me forever. and my form class had already pissed me off earlier in the day by not even being able to do a simple dictation passage. and worse of all, the two bastards (i call them that because they really are) had the nerve to try my patience again when they'd just got diciplined the day before. they actually took the passes and hid in the toilet until i had to yell for them to come out. after i brought them back to class, one of them asked me if i was so frustrated with them why i was still teaching their class. and that really pissed me off to no end. i was like screaming (as much as my voice could) at him that i was only doing this because i got paid to do it. and that the class didnt consist of him alone, but fortysomething others (i failed to mention i didnt exactly like the rest of the class either). but what he said really got to me and i was like wait a second, it's true, why am i still teaching this damn class?! so i ran off to the toilet and i called my mum and said i didnt want to do it anymore, and those kpos followed me of course. but i refused to get out. after like somewhat calming down (and also because the girls were trying to climb over the door to see if i was in there and i didnt want them falling or whatever) i came out and i told the class i refused to teach them and that they better stay where they are and stop following me, and walked out again. but then i realised that i had no where to go and it would be kind of irresponsible leaving them alone in the classroom. so i went back and said we shall wait for the bell to ring. for the first time in like ever the class was silent. and it was really awkward we were just all sitting there waiting for the bell to ring and i could hear the kids whispering that they should say sorry and blahblahblah. but i was too pissed off to care. i knew that they wrote sorry all over the board too but i refused to look at it. so finally the bell rang and i was like ok class get out. and they like left but some of the kids came up to me and gave me some pieces of paper saying sorry but suprise suprise the two bastards didnt. i felt quite awkward taking it from them, one kid even wrapped up a packet of tissue paper because yes they knew i was crying. this makes it so embarrassing.

sometimes i think, maybe i'm not mature enough for this. i mean, i'm still a kid! i'm incapable of controlling my emotions, obviously, and how can a person like that take charge and educate 42children only half my age? how can i expose them to my emotional instability and my childish, i admit, antics? i always feel so horrible for them, having got me as their teacher, someone who doesnt exactly know what she's doing. but at the same time i also wonder if i'm thinking too much. i mean, as maria said, every teacher has to start somewhere. and this is only primary freaking three. i'm going mad. stress from the kids, from the other teachers, from the parents and most of all, from myself.
END.

anyway, it's so odd. cos like everytime i see my p3s i have the urge to quit and just walk out and abandon them forever. but after i leave the class, and i really think about it, i dont want to quit anymore. i can't bear not getting to see some of the students ever again (which is why i dont think teaching is for me cos i can get really attached haha). and also, for the sake of myself. i want to see myself hang in there and accomplish something. and there's the boredom of having nothing to do. and of course, there's the money. haha. sigh. don't you wish life could be easy.

so anyway, felt so sick after that last lesson i left early and went to the doc. got an mc for today (woohoo!). it felt great knowing i wasnt going back to sch today. so last night i just stayed in bed and watched the last four episodes of my korean drama. went to sleep. this morning i woke up at a nice decent hour of 10, stayed in bed and watched jason mraz's concert which i had found at gramaphone for a low low price of 30. andddd now i'm kinda bored. rah. seeee. without having sch to go to it's really kinda boring. :( i dont know what's going on man. argh i need some one to put this all into perspective, or better yet, start making decisions for me cos i sure can't seem to make them on my own. i'm such a fluctuater. and i can't stop eating chocolates and pineappletarts.