it's cold.

i just spent the day studying. or attempting to. and giving tuition to a kid i seem to have run out of patience with.

and suddenly today i feel lost. :( i dont know why. i dont know what i'm doing either. you know that kind of confusion. i have this urge to "rediscover myself" haha and damn that sounds so cheesy. but i've been thinking, how so much of my personality and character depends on the people around. like my identity is this soft lump of dough that gets moulded according to my friends. i just wonder, what kind of person i would be if i didnt have so and so as a friend or if i were to be dumped into somewhere where i didnt know anyone and noone knew me and i didnt have to think about people's preconceptions of me. didnt have to live up to expectations.

i guess it's the whole uni thing. this sudden bombardment of new people. the lessened contact with familiar people.

i really dont like this feeling of new people :( it scares me. i feel like a kid but it's true. it scares the shit out of me. esp when i have to deal with new people alone. which i guess is why i'm suddenly feeling so scared now. dealing with my el group just now as well as envisioning working at ucc. it dawns on me the last time i was put into a place with no familiar faces at all was when i came to ac arts two years ago. and i have changed ALOT in those two years. become more wary of people and their intentions. become wiser but more afraid.

and at the same, i'm so disillusioned by friendship. i mean, honestly, it's quite fleeting. it depends so much on circumstance. dont you just wonder sometimes, who's going to still be around 5 years from now? or who's gonna stick around through hard times? honestly, i've only let those few friends see me at my worse. i really hate the feeling of burdening people with my problems. or maybe i hate people seeing me weak and exposed. i'm not much of a fan of feelings other than happiness.

hohum. i dont know man. right now, i just feel like hibernating and not talking to anyone for a long period of time.

must be the cold. and i'm secretly a polar bear or something.