i've always loved Memory. how it retains all you may or may not want to revist. how it captures fleeting moments and safekeeps them. how it attaches a whole myriad of feelings and emotions to each event, each song, each smell, each person. and what i love most is how they can be triggered - by will, by sound, by touch, by smell, by sight.
lately, i've been dwelling on the past far too much more than usual. on the good and the bad. on the could haves, the what ifs, the well dones, the i-wouldnt-have-it-any-other-ways. but whatever i dwell on, it still makes me unhappy. because those moments are gone and nothing can be done to change them, even to re-experience them. i guess it's the transition of growing into an adult. i've lived my whole life thus far as a child. the adult has always been someone else. now i'm caught in the middle. i don't think i'm a child anymore, not ever since i saw all those children look up to me as someone who should know what the hell was going on. but i sure am not an adult either. i still look to my mum, my dad, my aunt, someone else, for help, for the right thing to do, for approval. it's such a confusing thing and i hate it. if someone asked me if i would live my life over again, i think i would say yes. in fact, i would give anything just to go back to childhood days. and it's this desperate feeling of wanting to cling on to all that has gone or is about to be gone that scares me.
ok wow. this is what happens after days of seeing people you've seen throughout your years of growing up (i.e. your relatives) and listening to westlife the whole day. which was actually my main point of this entry (hence the picture up there). but i clearly got carried away. but this always happens when i listen to westlife. because with their music, comes attached all these secondary school memories. all these memories of a young teenage girl who hated being singaporean and wished with all her heart she were english. went on the school trip to uk not to see the homes of literary greats but because that's where westlife was (HA HA), where castles were, where everything she read about was. how can things you believe in so much, feelings you feel so strongly, change just because of time? basically i'm just very upset that time is passing so fast when i'm not done figuring out what i'm feeling each time. and there are so many things i want to do yet can't find time or spaces to slot them in. i used to think i'd be so happy on the day of my graduation cos that marks the end of studying forever more. but now i think it might possibly just be the worst day of my life. cos it marks the end of "studenthood", the last claim i have to youth and non-"adultship".
this is so characteristic of me, i realise, to panic prematurely and overdramatically. and i could possibly go on forever, but i will stop now because.
side note
I HATE ANTS. i kill tens of them every day without any qualms. but when i see one struggling with a huge piece of food twice it's size, how the hell am i supposed to squish it?? and then i get really upset for all those others i've killed. they're just trying to live their lives. but i just wish it wouldnt interfere with mine. i would gladly provide them a room full of sugar AWAY from my room, my table, my stuff and let them live happy and full lives. but then again, the idea of a room teeming with ants is pretty damn disgusting. ugh.
